Do not write anything that's not totally true.
Do not write anything that's totally true, but pretty boring for anyone other than your mother.
Do not write anything that's totally true for you but will result in your mother's need to "correct the record" on your Facebook wall.
Do not write anything that will make your daughter hate you.
Do not write, especially, about any moment in which your daughter may or may not have said, "I hate you."
Do not write about the things your daughter asked you not to write about after you told her the things you might write about when she asked you why you never write about her anymore.
Do not write about your daughter’s friends (especially you-know-who).
Do not write about any boys your daughter may or may not know, especially the boy whom everyone she knows on Instagram seems to think is her boyfriend, though you are not allowed to call him that, especially when you text his mother, which you are not allowed to do.
Do not write about any high schools your daughter may want to attend next year.
Do not write about any teachers at any high schools your daughter may want to attend next year or any teachers at any high schools your daughter has no intention of attending next year in case they are friends with teachers at high schools your daughter may want to attend next year.
Do not write about that mother on the tour and what she said to you. Why does it still bother you? Just let it go.
Do not write about how you were the only parent who seemed amused by that nice principal's name (“Principal Payne! Get it?”) unless you can find a way to weave it into a story about that lovely surgeon who once operated on your mother's neck, Dr. Hatchett.
You may write in Starbucks, but not about Starbucks.
Do not write about famous people you may or may not have had dinner with recently, even if it rocked your world. Which it did.
Do not write about Jesus, even if he is all right with you. Especially if he is all right with you.
Do not write about Israel.
Do not write about AirBnB.
Do not write about the neighbors. It's all good now. Don't mess it up.
Do not write about the real estate agent who looks like Rod Stewart. You may need his help one day.
Do not write about your tortured relationship to Capitalism. Or your tortured relationship to Socialism. Or your tortured relationship to friends or presidential candidates who are Capitalists or Socialists.
Do not write about the changing face of San Francisco.
Do not write about that Mark Zuckerberg sighting when you went to have lunch with your friend who works at Facebook.
In fact, do not write anything about that lunch at Facebook, in case it violates the NDA you signed in order to have lunch with your friend at Facebook.
In fact, do not write anything that might violate any other NDA you may or may not have signed this month.
Do not write about the book idea. Or the other book idea.
Do not write about how you got caught borrowing a pair of Amy’s underwear, even though the two of you have an explicit agreement not to share underwear because even lesbian couples need to have at least one thing they do not share.
Do not write about other people's feelings.
Do not write about other people’s children.
Do not write about the bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah of anyone else's child, unless it is simply to pay that child a compliment. (Eli: Dude! I came. Esau. You conquered! Roma: Still thinking about your drash.)
Do not write about the startup you’re meeting with next week.
Do not write about the startup you’re thinking of starting next week.
You may write about the dog, but do not write about that cute-mortified look he gets when you see him pooping. You're just projecting.
Do not write about anything that happens in your bathroom. (Unless it was in the shower.)
Do not write about anything that happens in your bedroom. (Unless it was in a dream.)
Do not write about your last trip to the gynecologist, even if it's kind of a funny story.
Speaking of funny stories, do not write about that time your brother asked you for a divorce, since he now claims it never happened and he was only joking, even if you know that it did and he wasn't.
In fact, best to not write about any family member who might take issue with any issue you might have with them.
Do not write about problems unless you can offer solutions.
Do not write about a moment if writing about the moment causes you to miss the moment.
Do not write to avoid doing your to-do's.
Do not write about your to-do's.
Do not write about writing.
Write what you know.
Write every day.